Try Opening a Can with Your Teeth?

I have a theory that nobody on the planet ever opens a can of food of any kind any more with a can opener. (Cans with poptops may have made can openers obsolete.)

That’s why the art of making a good can opener is a lost art.

I once had an excellent can opener. It worked great. In other words, it opened cans without much effort on my part. I took it for granted. When other people complained that their can openers didn’t work, I suggested that maybe they needed to get a new one. More often than not, those folks would claim that it WAS a new one! I was skeptical.

And then, one day in a moment of cavalier optimism, I gave away my trusty can opener to someone who needed one. I then happily went out and got a new one for myself. I bought a generic, inexpensive model. When the new one operated in a stiff manner, I gave it a shot of oil. I was disappointed when it never quite limbered up…. Or successfully cut open a can on the first try. Or the second try, or …. I decided it was defective. You get what you pay for, you know. So I bought another new can opener—a name brand—at a higher price. It performed no better than the cheap one! I strained and worked up a sweat while trying to open a mere can of tuna. But, mostly I began to avoid opening cans. This high class model was as defective as the cheap one.

That’s when I came to the conclusion that no one was opening cans any more. If people really wanted and needed to open a can with a can opener, and the can opener didn’t work, they would complain to the manufacturer, they’d complain to the Better Business Bureau, they’d scream and yell for a congressional investigation, they'd at least return it to the store they got it from—right? Apparently none of that happened.

Of course, there always was a possibility that somewhere good can openers still existed. But, I already knew that they didn’t sell them at WalMart or Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

As I contemplated starving to death while staring at a pantry full of canned goods or opening a can with my teeth or a hammer and chisel, I decided to try one last time to find a can opener that actually opened cans. I went to the nearby restaurant supply store and bought the one they carried.

I held my breath as I used it for the first time. I feared that all of the can openers on the planet were defective. WOW! It was like magic! A child could have used it—or an old woman with arthritis in her hands! It almost worked by itself! I have probably opened at least a dozen cans since buying it a week or so ago. And every time I get the same thrill. This morning Em used it for the first time. She turned to me with an amazed, ecstatic expression: WOW! she said. She couldn’t believe the difference.

Anyone need a new can opener? I’d be happy to pick one up for you and spread the joy around. :D